Perfectionism

I recently listened to an interview with Brené Brown on Sounds True podcast, “Insights at the Edge,” during which she discusses perfectionism.  Dr. Brown defines perfectionism and reshapes it’s meaning for us all based on her research on vulnerability and shame.

In honor of Eating Disorder Awareness Week, which begins today, I thought I would share her insights and research findings on perfectionism, as they deeply resonate with me. 

Dr. Brown defines perfectionism as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: “If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Perfectionism is defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. 

Perfection is an unattainable goal. 

Perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.

Perfectionism is addictive because when we do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it is because we were not perfect enough so rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right.

To overcome perfectionism we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the experiences of shame, judgment, and blame, and practice self-compassion.  When we can live compassionately and authentically, we begin to embrace our imperfections, rather than push them away and shame ourselves for having these vulnerabilities (we are only human after all). 

Take a few minutes today to search for talks given by Dr. Brown, begin reading one of her books, articles, or blogs, or listen to the Sounds True interview.  Give yourself permission to be imperfect.  Begin to cultivate a felt sense of healthy striving that feels more authentic than perfectionism.  Remember: You do not need to be perfect, only ‘good enough.’

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and Midtown Manhattan, NYC. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety.   For more, please visit Kim’s ‘Finding Your Voice’ Blog.

Tips to Having a Happy Thanksgiving 2014

Well, the holidays have snuck up on us again this year. Thanksgiving is already upon us and we are getting stressed out! Here are a few tips to decrease your stress around this holiday:

Use this time of year to begin (or restart) a gratitude journal. Focus on the positive aspects of each day, rather than the negative. After all, it is THANKS-giving, isn’t it? Let this be a new beginning for you and approach the holiday with a newfound joy and gratitude for all you have in life.

Do not think too far ahead. Stay as present as possible and try not to think too far in advance about Thanksgiving dinner or the upcoming holiday season. Stick with one thing at a time (as much as possible). For example, if you are creating a menu, focus only on creating the menu and do not over think the upcoming shopping trip.

Ask for help. Women tend to want to show their love around the holidays by doing it all, and doing it all by themselves. Try something new this year and try asking for help. Get others involved more and take some of the burden off yourself so you can actually enjoy the holiday too. Asking for help is an act of strength, not weakness. Getting others involved makes them feel useful and a part of the festivities.  I guarantee that people are not thinking that you should be able to do it all alone – that is only in your mind. Just try it out this year as something new, and I bet you’ll be surprised.

Breathe and connect to your body whenever you remember. Taking the time to refresh yourself and take a breather will clear your mind and help you more productive in the long run. Remember to take micro-breaks throughout the holiday season.

Try to enjoy yourself this year and don’t get bogged down in the stress. Good luck!

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with men and women in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit her blog, "Finding Your Voice" at http://wp.me/p2H9sB-1f