Fair Fighting for Couples

Arguing in couples can be heated, intense, scary and painful at times.  However, it can also bring couples much closer together and help cultivate a partnership by getting on the same page.  Relationships are difficult – it is a bringing together of two distinctly different people with two very different upbringing – of course there will be disagreements and this will entail arguments.  It is a matter of respectfully disagreeing and trying to understand the other persons viewpoint that makes all the difference. 

 Due to the heightened emotions on both sides during disagreements, it can help to have some rules to keep things from getting too heated and make it a “fair fight”:

• ·      Avoid global statements, such as ‘always’ and ‘never.’  

• ·      Use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements.  For example, “I feel as though I do not get enough help around here.”  Rather than, “you do not help out enough around here.”

• ·      Avoid ‘right and wrong’ thinking.  Many arguments are power struggles, during which each party is fighting to be ‘right.’  Don’t fight to be right, work together for the good of the relationship. 

• ·      There is no need to blame your partner.  Blame is not productive and it is inextricably linked to shame.

• ·      Stay present - do not bring up things from the past.  

• ·      Stick with one topic at a time – choose one topic and stick with it.  Try not to veer off onto another topic until there is some resolve to the topic at hand.

• ·      Remain calm and keep your voice down.  Yelling just keeps people at a distance and makes them not want to or unable listen. 

• ·      Do not attack your partner.  Do not curse.  Refrain from name-calling. 

• ·      Step away.  If you feel the need to step away, that’s okay.  Let your partner know that you need a break.  You may need to take an hour, or the night to sleep on it – things often seem clearer in the morning.  Coming back together to continue the discussion is the key to resolving it, so make sure you find a time to revisit the discussion. 

• ·      Do not shut down.  Withdrawal is a harmful tool, yet so many people use it.  Taking a break is not the same as withdrawing.  You can step away, as mentioned previously, but you will agree to reconvene the discussion.  Withdrawal can take many forms, such as shutting down and simply not engaging, refusing sex, or leaving and when you return you refuse to continue talking.  These types of withdrawal are not productive and can be damaging to any relationship.

• ·      Focus more of your effort on listening than talking.  When your partner is talking, do your best to actively listen and resist the temptation to think about what you’re going to say next.

• ·      Do not threaten or mention divorce or break-up.  This is hurtful, creates anxiety, and adds many more layers beyond the current disagreement. 

• ·      Attempt to be more curious and less defensive.  Ask more questions of the other person rather instead of assuming you know what he or she is thinking.

All of these rules are difficult to practice, especially in the heat of the moment, so try keeping them in mind during less intense conversations with your partner as well.  You may not be able to take all of these rules into each disagreement at the same time, so pick a few and discuss them with your partner, so you are both trying to implement one or two at the same time, together.  Remember, you are not seeking perfection, just improvement.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and Midtown Manhattan, NYC. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety.  For more, please visit Kim’s ‘Finding Your Voice’ Blog.

Mindfulness For Better Sex

You might be asking yourself – Are you kidding me? Is this a ploy to get me to read your blog? No. Mindfulness training can really be useful in gaining more pleasure from sex (and other aspects of life, of course).

First, what is mindfulness? In a nutshell, mindfulness is a way of training your brain to be here, now. To keep your brain in the moment as much as possible, and notice where you are and what you are doing, thinking, feeling, sensing in the moment, without judgment. It is not about shutting off the brain, but intentionally noticing the brain's activity. 

We are often floating away from the current moment in our minds. We are thinking about what just happened in our spin class an hour ago, or running through our to-do list to make sure we don’t forget something. We are rarely here, in the moment, right now. By training our brains, we can find more moments of here-ness.

The ability to be present, aware, and in the moment, can certainly be useful when it comes to sex. Many people, especially women, have trouble staying connected and present during sex. Not only do women find it difficult to get turned on, at times, because they are thinking so much about past and future, but they also struggle to stay focused on the pleasurable experience while in the throws of passion.

Here are a few things to consider when practicing mindfulness for better sex:

1 – Engage all your senses – touch, smell, taste, sight, sound – and really notice each and every one of them as fully as possible. When engaging the senses, it helps us stay present and aware. It will be a little harder for your mind to wander off to your to-do list, though it can still happen. When your mind wanders, simply bring it back to one or all of your senses. Immerse yourself in the sensations.

2 – Breathe. Notice the natural rhythms of your breath and surrender to them as much as possible. Breathe deeply and consciously when you notice your mind wandering off to the past or future. When we use our breath to relax and release rather than control and withhold, sex is more powerful and can really help relieve tension and stress.

3 – Practice non-judgment and acceptance. If your inner dialogue distracts you, it’s okay. Try to be gentle with yourself; no need to beat yourself up about it. Just gently return to the sensations in the moment. If this happens over and over (and it will in the beginning), let it go and keep practicing. You are not bad or wrong, just distracted. Mindfulness actually rewires the brain to focus more on the present moment, and rewiring takes time.

4 – Remove distractions. Turn off the TV. Silence the phone or other electronics.

Go forth and practice, practice, practice…

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and Midtown Manhattan, NYC. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety. Visit Kimberly's 'Finding Your Voice' blog at http://wp.me/p2H9sB-1F

Secrets To A Happy Long-Term Relationship - Part II

Indulge yourself.  This may seem counterintuitive, but it works. Generally, we help care for one another in relationships, but this only truly works well when you are also continuing to care for and about yourself. Take the time to do something for you and only you at least once a week (I’d prefer once daily, but this may seem like a giant goal for some).  This does not have to be something expensive or timely.  It is just about mindfully spending time and energy on you - the most important person in your life.

Sometimes we relate self-indulgence with selfishness, but this is another misconception.  Taking the time to make yourself happy by taking a walk, going to the gym, or listening to your favorite music, ultimately makes you better at everything you do.  It will ultimately make you a better mom/dad, co-worker, boss, friend and partner because you are calmer and more present with others.  Self-sacrificing will eventually lead to low energy, burnout, fatigue, and negative moods.  Try adding more self-indulgence into your day/week/year and notice how it benefits your relationship.

Secrets To A Happy Long-Term Relationship - Part I

There are a few things that stand out when it comes to having a happy long-term relationship.  This is the first of a series about secrets to a happy long-term relationship.

One way to remain happy together is to be separate too.  Having time and interests to yourself mean that you are autonomous and a separate individual in the relationship.  Healthy, positive relationships are a coming together of two full people, not a merging a two half-people making a whole.  This is a myth – period.

Generally, couples struggle when it comes to finding the balance between togetherness and separateness. When couples are experiencing trouble in their relationship, they often try to spend more time together and become inseparable.  This is a common, but ineffective, solution.  Of course you will continue to spend quality time together as a couple, but it does not need to be every waking moment – it is all about balance.  Studies show that desire for one’s partner comes when there is some distance and space.  So go out and enjoy your own hobbies!

Watch this video for more infomation:  http://on.ted.com/Perel 

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.