Mindfulness For Better Sex

You might be asking yourself – Are you kidding me? Is this a ploy to get me to read your blog? No. Mindfulness training can really be useful in gaining more pleasure from sex (and other aspects of life, of course).

First, what is mindfulness? In a nutshell, mindfulness is a way of training your brain to be here, now. To keep your brain in the moment as much as possible, and notice where you are and what you are doing, thinking, feeling, sensing in the moment, without judgment. It is not about shutting off the brain, but intentionally noticing the brain's activity. 

We are often floating away from the current moment in our minds. We are thinking about what just happened in our spin class an hour ago, or running through our to-do list to make sure we don’t forget something. We are rarely here, in the moment, right now. By training our brains, we can find more moments of here-ness.

The ability to be present, aware, and in the moment, can certainly be useful when it comes to sex. Many people, especially women, have trouble staying connected and present during sex. Not only do women find it difficult to get turned on, at times, because they are thinking so much about past and future, but they also struggle to stay focused on the pleasurable experience while in the throws of passion.

Here are a few things to consider when practicing mindfulness for better sex:

1 – Engage all your senses – touch, smell, taste, sight, sound – and really notice each and every one of them as fully as possible. When engaging the senses, it helps us stay present and aware. It will be a little harder for your mind to wander off to your to-do list, though it can still happen. When your mind wanders, simply bring it back to one or all of your senses. Immerse yourself in the sensations.

2 – Breathe. Notice the natural rhythms of your breath and surrender to them as much as possible. Breathe deeply and consciously when you notice your mind wandering off to the past or future. When we use our breath to relax and release rather than control and withhold, sex is more powerful and can really help relieve tension and stress.

3 – Practice non-judgment and acceptance. If your inner dialogue distracts you, it’s okay. Try to be gentle with yourself; no need to beat yourself up about it. Just gently return to the sensations in the moment. If this happens over and over (and it will in the beginning), let it go and keep practicing. You are not bad or wrong, just distracted. Mindfulness actually rewires the brain to focus more on the present moment, and rewiring takes time.

4 – Remove distractions. Turn off the TV. Silence the phone or other electronics.

Go forth and practice, practice, practice…

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and Midtown Manhattan, NYC. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety. Visit Kimberly's 'Finding Your Voice' blog at http://wp.me/p2H9sB-1F

New Year New You - Part II

 Let's continue to talk about ways to feel better in 2015:

3. Be grateful.  Start focusing on the positive more than the negative.  As human beings, we are naturally more focused on the negative because this is a big part of what keeps us alive.  Our brains are wired and programmed to find the negative and try to fix it.  Being aware that this is a main job of our brain helps us take notice of it more and more each day. 

It takes a bit of effort to focus more attention on the positive and try not to let it all just slip through our fingers like water.  Do your best each day to hold onto the positive aspects of your life and shine a ray of light on each and every one of them.  One way to start this is to write a gratitude journal – write down 5 things each day that brought you joy or made you thankful.  They can be simple and mundane occurrences throughout your day.

4. Eliminate sugary drinks.  I am not asking you to eliminate sugar altogether, just sugary drinks because they are the most influential on your insulin production and demanding on your pancreas.  In other words, sugary drinks seem to be a leading cause of obesity and diabetes.  These drinks include anything with sugar in the ingredient list, like sodas, sports drinks, and fruit juices. 

Try not to switch to diet drinks because studies have shown that the fake sugars tend to make you desire more sweets in your daily intake.  Try it for yourself and notice if you crave more sugary items when drinking diet drinks – I did.  These fake sugars also seem to confuse the body because they are not natural. 

Again, similar to cutting back on caffeine, you may not want to eliminate sugary drinks all at once.  You may be more successful cutting back to having one soda a few days per week, rather than a soda everyday.  Then, drink only one soda per week and so forth.  Try to make your goals attainable so you are successful.

5. Drink Water.  Many people drink sugary drinks as if it is water, but it is not water.  Drink more good-old-fashioned H2O for hydration.  Increasing your consumption of water will likely increase your energy level and your metabolism.  Try it out and notice if you feel differently after a week or so.

If you are aiming to lose weight, this is also an excellent way to aid in weight loss.  When we binge or emotionally eat, we are often just thirsty and in need of hydration.  If you can slow down and drink a glass of water before reaching for that bag of chips or cookies, you might realize you do not want food at all and are satisfied with the water. 

Many of the ideas for this 'New Year, New You' segment were stimulated by reading John Ratey and Richard Manning's new book entitled, "Go Wild: Free Your Body and Mind From the Afflictions of Civilization."  If you are up for a good read during these cold winter months, I recommend highly recommend this one.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working primarily with women in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Visit my 'Finding Your Voice' blog at https://kimberlyatwood.wordpress.com/2015/01/08/new-year-new-your-part-ii/

New Year, New You - Part I

“Life is a journey, not a destination.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Keep this in mind throughout 2015, especially as you attempt to makes some changes in your life.

 Here are a few new ideas to aim for in 2015:

1. Rather than make any resolutions this year, try to set daily intentions for yourself.  This helps you take one day or one moment at a time, rather than the entire year all at once. 

People usually do not succeed with their New Year’s resolutions because they try to change too much all at the same time.  Learn from this mistake and slow down and be nicer to yourself.  Take little bit by little bit and make longer lasting change in your life and over your lifetime.

I think it is most helpful when you write down your intentions, but some people find it effective just to state them inwardly to him/herself each morning before getting out of bed.  Whatever works for you is great.  Set your intention by saying or writing down something like,

“My intention for today is to… 1. Drink only one cup of caffeinated coffee.  2. Exercise at the gym for at least 30 minutes.  3. Meditate for at least 10 minutes before going to bed tonight.  4. Watch only one hour of television.  5. Read at least one chapter in my book.

2. Reduce your intake of caffeine.  People often come to me because they notice a heightened sense of anxiety.  It seems most of the people in this country are anxious lately.  One of the first things I ask people to do is to start paying attention to how you feel with and without so much caffeine.  Just experiment for a period of time and you will notice how revved up and anxious you probably get while drinking too much coffee or any caffeinated beverage (sodas, energy drinks, etc.).  

I have noticed a huge difference in myself when it comes to cutting back on caffeine, and I bet you will too.  If I mindfully decide to have a coffee, I make it small and drink it slowly.  Still I notice how jittery it makes me now that I no longer drink it regularly.  It definitely increases my anxiety and acts like a drug in my system.  Notice for yourself!

NOTE: Do not go off these beverages cold turkey.  If you drink a few cups of coffee per day, cut back to two, then make the sizes smaller, and eventually cut down to one cup per day over time.  You will feel withdrawal effects, such as headaches, because your body has become accustomed to getting a specific jolt daily.  

There is more to come in Part II of New Year, New You...

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working primarily with women in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Visit my 'Finding Your Voice' blog at http://wp.me/p2H9sB-1n.

Breaking Habits

I just finished reading the book "The Power Of Habit" by Charles Duhigg and thought I would share some of the powerful take-aways I have from this book.  It feels so good continue learning and growing in life and as a therapist.  I enjoy sharing the new research findings I come across, and this book opened my eyes to many new ways of thinking about habit forming and habit breaking.  I have already found this useful in my own life, and now hope sharing this information will be helpful in leading others to this book to read for themselves.  Here are a few of the major points I found interesting from "The Power of Habit":

• The reason for habits is to help the brain function automatically whenever possible to save energy.


• You can’t just stop a habit, you have to replace it with another habit.


• The habit loop consists of the Cue/Trigger - Routine - Reward


• To break a habit, you must determine the cue and reward and then change the routine.

Example: if the cue is biting your finger nails, why are you biting your nails?  Boredom, anxiety, tension?  Once you determine the cue or trigger, what is the habit’s reward?  Physical stimulation or a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment?  Now, what could you do to relieve boredom and/or anxiety and get a similar reward?

The first step is becoming mindful and aware of your actions.  To help do this, get an index card to carry with you throughout the days for about a week. When you begin to engage in the habit (i.e. biting finger nails) make a hatch mark on the index card.  This helps build your awareness of the cue/trigger.  Once aware of the cue, try to change the habit of biting your nails to something like gently rubbing your jaw to relieve the tension or tap your fingers on a desk to produce a physical response.  This will result in a similar reward, overriding the old habit with a new one.

• For habits to permanently change, people must believe that change is possible.  Groups are helpful in building and holding onto the power of belief because each individual member of the group sees other people able to make changes, therefore realizing it is possible for them too.  Belief is easier when it occurs within a community.

Example: If you want to quit smoking, figure out a different routine that will satisfy the cravings filled by the cigarettes.  Then, find a support system, a collection of other former smokers, or a social circle free of nicotine that will be there for you when you might stumble and help you believe you can make this change.

Happy Changing Habits in the New Year 2013!

 

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.

Are You Shoulding On Yourself?

Many of us spend a lot of time and energy thinking about how we should be feeling, what we should be doing, or what we should have done. Living in the land of shoulds usually makes us feel lost, wrong and/or bad.  It is rare that a should thought is positive in nature.  Most of our shoulds are a form of negative self-talk, a way we judge and put ourselves down.

The more time we spend reminding ourselves of the things we should be doing, the less motivated we become and the more anxious we feel about our lives.  This is because we are not honoring how we DO feel and what we ARE doing now.  Shoulds take us out of the present. We move away from what is true now and start contemplating the things we should have done in the past or the actions we should take in the future.  Living in the past or the future limits our ability to access our true power.  To transform your shoulds and ultimately feel more empowered in your life now, try the following:

First, take notice when you should yourself.  We often don’t even notice when we make these self-criticisms and self-judgments.

If you think it might be helpful, write down your personal list of shoulds, so that you can bring more awareness to them, not so you can judge your judgments.  Simply become aware with kindness; do not beat yourself up about your shoulds.  Your list may look something like this:

• I should eat better.


• I should be happy in this relationship.


• I should have gone for a walk instead of eating that cookie.

After you have taken some time to bring awareness to the fact that you do should on yourself at times, and you have identified some of these shoulds, start to explore what is present around the should.  You may want to write that down as well.  As you write, try to use the kind of language you might use with a very good friend.  Talk to yourself with compassion, love, and kindness.  Your list may look similar to this:

• Ok, I’m not eating well lately.  What is standing in my way?  Do I feel like I need to punish myself?  Why?  Do I want the way I feel emotionally to match the way I feel in the body?  Hmmm…Well, I am eating more junk food while I’m watching TV lately.  What’s that all about?  Maybe I’m feeling lonely and I watch TV to feel more connected and involved in life, but it just makes me feel more lonely and alone, so I eat to make myself feel better.  That isn’t really working though, is it?   (This can go on and on…)

• I’m just not happy in this relationship.  What do I feel?  What am I feeling right now?  It is not wrong if need something different or something more right now.  I feel really sad because I feel pressure to be happy and I’m not.  Maybe I can explore that sadness at my own pace and try not to just push it down or hold it inside so much.

• Yes, I originally wanted to go for a walk, but I ate the cookie instead.  Okay.  Let’s not be hard on myself and just start over.  I’m still a good person and I do love myself enough not to beat myself up for a slip.  Breathe and let go.

Moving forward continue to notice the next time (and the many times after) you use a should.  Notice.  Pause.  Slow down.  Breathe deeply a few times.  Bring yourself into the present.  Give yourself permission to feel the way you do now – it isn’t wrong.   Honor your true feelings.

It takes practice, learning to pause and not get dragged down by what seems to be wrong.  When we put down the ideas of what life shouldbe, we are free to truly see our life as it is now.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.