Overcoming Fear

Are you living from a place of fear? If you really pay close attention, do you notice ‘not enough’ thoughts sneeking in throughout the day? Fear can really bring you to a dark place and keep you stuck there. Fear can make you feel vulnerable and insecure. But no one talks about fear – it’s taboo – so we think we’re the only one feeling this way.

When we live our lives in fear of not having enough or fearing failure and/or success, we tend to unknowingly cultivate more fear. If we can start to see the world from a new angle and notice all the plenty and abundance already present, we are actually cultivating ‘more’ and fullness in our lives, and ultimately developing more happiness.

First, just notice your tendency to focus on or move toward ‘not enough’ in your daily life. One simple example from my life just happened today. I walked into a coffee shop and saw it was very full. Instead of ordering, as I would typically do first, I ran to throw my coat on a chair and save myself a seat, for fear that there wouldn’t be enough seating available after I ordered. Want to guess what happened once I sat down? Yup…several people left and a better table opened up than the one I anxiously grabbed upon entering. Now, this is a minor example, but it does clearly show that I was coming from a place of ‘not enough.' Be aware of times (big and small) when you have thoughts of ‘not enough’ pop up in your life.

Second, pay attention to how much you have in your life that is positive and abundant. Be grateful. It is not natural for our brains to focus on all the amazing things we have in our lives. Our brains are fixers.  They do everything in their power to fix problems, which often means they create problems that don't even exist.  When we spend time and energy focusing our thoughts on the positive and bringing more attention to what we are grateful for in our lives, it helps us recognize the positive more often and this makes us happier.  

Next time you feel ‘not enough,’ try to change your thoughts toward something positive that you have plenty of in your life….love (think of all the loved ones in your life), beauty (look around at nature and notice all the natural beauty that surrounds you on a daily basis). You get the idea….now go be enough, have enough, and try to view your life from a place of abundant gratitude.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with men and women in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth. Please visit Kim’s ‘Finding Your Voice’ blog at http://wp.me/p2H9sB-1A

New Year, New You - Part I

“Life is a journey, not a destination.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Keep this in mind throughout 2015, especially as you attempt to makes some changes in your life.

 Here are a few new ideas to aim for in 2015:

1. Rather than make any resolutions this year, try to set daily intentions for yourself.  This helps you take one day or one moment at a time, rather than the entire year all at once. 

People usually do not succeed with their New Year’s resolutions because they try to change too much all at the same time.  Learn from this mistake and slow down and be nicer to yourself.  Take little bit by little bit and make longer lasting change in your life and over your lifetime.

I think it is most helpful when you write down your intentions, but some people find it effective just to state them inwardly to him/herself each morning before getting out of bed.  Whatever works for you is great.  Set your intention by saying or writing down something like,

“My intention for today is to… 1. Drink only one cup of caffeinated coffee.  2. Exercise at the gym for at least 30 minutes.  3. Meditate for at least 10 minutes before going to bed tonight.  4. Watch only one hour of television.  5. Read at least one chapter in my book.

2. Reduce your intake of caffeine.  People often come to me because they notice a heightened sense of anxiety.  It seems most of the people in this country are anxious lately.  One of the first things I ask people to do is to start paying attention to how you feel with and without so much caffeine.  Just experiment for a period of time and you will notice how revved up and anxious you probably get while drinking too much coffee or any caffeinated beverage (sodas, energy drinks, etc.).  

I have noticed a huge difference in myself when it comes to cutting back on caffeine, and I bet you will too.  If I mindfully decide to have a coffee, I make it small and drink it slowly.  Still I notice how jittery it makes me now that I no longer drink it regularly.  It definitely increases my anxiety and acts like a drug in my system.  Notice for yourself!

NOTE: Do not go off these beverages cold turkey.  If you drink a few cups of coffee per day, cut back to two, then make the sizes smaller, and eventually cut down to one cup per day over time.  You will feel withdrawal effects, such as headaches, because your body has become accustomed to getting a specific jolt daily.  

There is more to come in Part II of New Year, New You...

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working primarily with women in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Visit my 'Finding Your Voice' blog at http://wp.me/p2H9sB-1n.

Are You Shoulding On Yourself?

Many of us spend a lot of time and energy thinking about how we should be feeling, what we should be doing, or what we should have done. Living in the land of shoulds usually makes us feel lost, wrong and/or bad.  It is rare that a should thought is positive in nature.  Most of our shoulds are a form of negative self-talk, a way we judge and put ourselves down.

The more time we spend reminding ourselves of the things we should be doing, the less motivated we become and the more anxious we feel about our lives.  This is because we are not honoring how we DO feel and what we ARE doing now.  Shoulds take us out of the present. We move away from what is true now and start contemplating the things we should have done in the past or the actions we should take in the future.  Living in the past or the future limits our ability to access our true power.  To transform your shoulds and ultimately feel more empowered in your life now, try the following:

First, take notice when you should yourself.  We often don’t even notice when we make these self-criticisms and self-judgments.

If you think it might be helpful, write down your personal list of shoulds, so that you can bring more awareness to them, not so you can judge your judgments.  Simply become aware with kindness; do not beat yourself up about your shoulds.  Your list may look something like this:

• I should eat better.


• I should be happy in this relationship.


• I should have gone for a walk instead of eating that cookie.

After you have taken some time to bring awareness to the fact that you do should on yourself at times, and you have identified some of these shoulds, start to explore what is present around the should.  You may want to write that down as well.  As you write, try to use the kind of language you might use with a very good friend.  Talk to yourself with compassion, love, and kindness.  Your list may look similar to this:

• Ok, I’m not eating well lately.  What is standing in my way?  Do I feel like I need to punish myself?  Why?  Do I want the way I feel emotionally to match the way I feel in the body?  Hmmm…Well, I am eating more junk food while I’m watching TV lately.  What’s that all about?  Maybe I’m feeling lonely and I watch TV to feel more connected and involved in life, but it just makes me feel more lonely and alone, so I eat to make myself feel better.  That isn’t really working though, is it?   (This can go on and on…)

• I’m just not happy in this relationship.  What do I feel?  What am I feeling right now?  It is not wrong if need something different or something more right now.  I feel really sad because I feel pressure to be happy and I’m not.  Maybe I can explore that sadness at my own pace and try not to just push it down or hold it inside so much.

• Yes, I originally wanted to go for a walk, but I ate the cookie instead.  Okay.  Let’s not be hard on myself and just start over.  I’m still a good person and I do love myself enough not to beat myself up for a slip.  Breathe and let go.

Moving forward continue to notice the next time (and the many times after) you use a should.  Notice.  Pause.  Slow down.  Breathe deeply a few times.  Bring yourself into the present.  Give yourself permission to feel the way you do now – it isn’t wrong.   Honor your true feelings.

It takes practice, learning to pause and not get dragged down by what seems to be wrong.  When we put down the ideas of what life shouldbe, we are free to truly see our life as it is now.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.

Meditation Myths

Myth #1: Meditation is all about stopping your mind.   I often hear“I can’t meditate because I can’t stop my thoughts.”  This may be the number one reason I hear from people who have tried meditation but quit.  However, what’s important to understand is that thoughts are a natural (and necessary) part of meditation.  You are simply watching your thoughts, noticing them and not getting all wrapped up in them as much as possible.  Noticing is the key.  Notice your thoughts.  Notice any sensations you may have in your body.  Notice your judgments and try to let them go.

Myth #2: There is a right way and wrong way to meditate and I just can’t seem to get it right.  One of the biggest hurdles for me to get over with regard to meditating is that I might screw it up.  What if I open my eyes?  What if I get caught up in a thought?  What if I stop focusing on my breath?  Interestingly, I have become aware of the many “what if’s…” in my thoughts.  I have a lot of them.  When I can let go of “what if…” I am able to relax and not have so much worry and anxiety around meditation.  The best part is that this actually follows me into my everyday life.

It is a myth that one cannot open her eyes while meditating.  It is a myth that one cannot look at their watch or a clock – why not?  What’s wrong with knowing how long you’ve been sitting or walking?  The more we look at things as black and white, right and wrong, good and bad, we are setting ourselves up for failure or lack of trying.  Simply (ha! It’s sounds so simple, but I know it is not) notice how our thoughts operate and try to let go.

Myth #3: Meditation is a quick fix for all your problems.  While it is true that meditation can help to increase your clarity of mind, it is not an instant solution or quick fix. It takes consistent efforts and time to meditate before you develop mindfulness that permeates into everything you do in life. Meditation is not something that you whip out whenever you need a quick boost.  With cultivation, meditation can help with problem solving abilities because it helps people gain awareness and insight, and eventually changes perceptions.

Myth #4: Meditation has to be practiced for a long time to gain benefit. This is probably one of the biggest stumbling blocks for many people and I frequently hear people say (and catch myself thinking at times), “I am too busy to meditate, I don’t have the time…etc.” Throughout the day, I frequently engage in meditation techniques to center myself or create a state of calm, patience, or concentration.  The duration of these practices may last anywhere from 20 seconds to 1 minute. Many people have a hard time sitting down and staying still for more then five or ten minutes, therefore, I recommend starting slow by engaging in short meditation sessions.  Start where you are and do not convince yourself that it isn’t enough.  It is good enough.  The more you can practice in small, manageable sessions, the more you will see benefits and build upon what you learn and gain from the practice.

Myth #5: Meditation means sitting in an uncomfortable (lotus) position.  While sitting cross-legged on the floor works for some, you do not necessarily have to use it if you find it uncomfortable or painful.  There are many forms of meditation, at least in my opinion. There are formal meditation practice and informal.  I combine the two practices.  You can have a formal sitting practice, during which you either sit in a straight-backed chair, sit on the floor with legs straight out in front, or in cross-legged position (half-lotus). There are also formal practices of standing, walking, and lying-down meditation.  The key is to never compromise your safety for comfort. Sit with dignity and self-respect by keeping your spine and neck upright and neutral to prevent causing any injury to them.  You may shift your position; just try to do so mindfully.  There is nothing wrong with noticing you are uncomfortable and moving your legs, if you need/want.  Bring awareness to the discomfort and make your movement mindful.

Informal practice includes the many times throughout the day that you engage in meditation techniques and mindfulness.  This may include a time during the day when you become aware of your body and take the time to cultivate this awareness.  You may be driving and you notice yourself lose your temper and you calm down and bring yourself back to your breath.  There are a variety of ways to incorporate meditation into your day without necessarily sitting, however a formal practice will add a noticeable benefit even when it is for 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes at night (which is what I am able to practice at this time).

 

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.