Fair Fighting for Couples

Arguing in couples can be heated, intense, scary and painful at times.  However, it can also bring couples much closer together and help cultivate a partnership by getting on the same page.  Relationships are difficult – it is a bringing together of two distinctly different people with two very different upbringing – of course there will be disagreements and this will entail arguments.  It is a matter of respectfully disagreeing and trying to understand the other persons viewpoint that makes all the difference. 

 Due to the heightened emotions on both sides during disagreements, it can help to have some rules to keep things from getting too heated and make it a “fair fight”:

• ·      Avoid global statements, such as ‘always’ and ‘never.’  

• ·      Use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements.  For example, “I feel as though I do not get enough help around here.”  Rather than, “you do not help out enough around here.”

• ·      Avoid ‘right and wrong’ thinking.  Many arguments are power struggles, during which each party is fighting to be ‘right.’  Don’t fight to be right, work together for the good of the relationship. 

• ·      There is no need to blame your partner.  Blame is not productive and it is inextricably linked to shame.

• ·      Stay present - do not bring up things from the past.  

• ·      Stick with one topic at a time – choose one topic and stick with it.  Try not to veer off onto another topic until there is some resolve to the topic at hand.

• ·      Remain calm and keep your voice down.  Yelling just keeps people at a distance and makes them not want to or unable listen. 

• ·      Do not attack your partner.  Do not curse.  Refrain from name-calling. 

• ·      Step away.  If you feel the need to step away, that’s okay.  Let your partner know that you need a break.  You may need to take an hour, or the night to sleep on it – things often seem clearer in the morning.  Coming back together to continue the discussion is the key to resolving it, so make sure you find a time to revisit the discussion. 

• ·      Do not shut down.  Withdrawal is a harmful tool, yet so many people use it.  Taking a break is not the same as withdrawing.  You can step away, as mentioned previously, but you will agree to reconvene the discussion.  Withdrawal can take many forms, such as shutting down and simply not engaging, refusing sex, or leaving and when you return you refuse to continue talking.  These types of withdrawal are not productive and can be damaging to any relationship.

• ·      Focus more of your effort on listening than talking.  When your partner is talking, do your best to actively listen and resist the temptation to think about what you’re going to say next.

• ·      Do not threaten or mention divorce or break-up.  This is hurtful, creates anxiety, and adds many more layers beyond the current disagreement. 

• ·      Attempt to be more curious and less defensive.  Ask more questions of the other person rather instead of assuming you know what he or she is thinking.

All of these rules are difficult to practice, especially in the heat of the moment, so try keeping them in mind during less intense conversations with your partner as well.  You may not be able to take all of these rules into each disagreement at the same time, so pick a few and discuss them with your partner, so you are both trying to implement one or two at the same time, together.  Remember, you are not seeking perfection, just improvement.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and Midtown Manhattan, NYC. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety.  For more, please visit Kim’s ‘Finding Your Voice’ Blog.

Secrets To A Happy Long-Term Relationship - Part II

Indulge yourself.  This may seem counterintuitive, but it works. Generally, we help care for one another in relationships, but this only truly works well when you are also continuing to care for and about yourself. Take the time to do something for you and only you at least once a week (I’d prefer once daily, but this may seem like a giant goal for some).  This does not have to be something expensive or timely.  It is just about mindfully spending time and energy on you - the most important person in your life.

Sometimes we relate self-indulgence with selfishness, but this is another misconception.  Taking the time to make yourself happy by taking a walk, going to the gym, or listening to your favorite music, ultimately makes you better at everything you do.  It will ultimately make you a better mom/dad, co-worker, boss, friend and partner because you are calmer and more present with others.  Self-sacrificing will eventually lead to low energy, burnout, fatigue, and negative moods.  Try adding more self-indulgence into your day/week/year and notice how it benefits your relationship.

Secrets To A Happy Long-Term Relationship - Part I

There are a few things that stand out when it comes to having a happy long-term relationship.  This is the first of a series about secrets to a happy long-term relationship.

One way to remain happy together is to be separate too.  Having time and interests to yourself mean that you are autonomous and a separate individual in the relationship.  Healthy, positive relationships are a coming together of two full people, not a merging a two half-people making a whole.  This is a myth – period.

Generally, couples struggle when it comes to finding the balance between togetherness and separateness. When couples are experiencing trouble in their relationship, they often try to spend more time together and become inseparable.  This is a common, but ineffective, solution.  Of course you will continue to spend quality time together as a couple, but it does not need to be every waking moment – it is all about balance.  Studies show that desire for one’s partner comes when there is some distance and space.  So go out and enjoy your own hobbies!

Watch this video for more infomation:  http://on.ted.com/Perel 

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.

Self-Compassion

Why do we frequently beat ourselves up in our heads?  Have you ever really listened to how you talk to yourself?  When you notice your inner voice, it usually isn’t pretty.  We tend to be much more critical of and downright mean to ourselves than we would ever be to another person.  Many of us seem to think we need to speak to ourselves in this rude and demeaning way in order to keep us in line.

“If I didn’t speak to myself this way, I might fail.”

“If I wasn’t constantly yelling at myself, I’d probably just eat everything in sight and be so gross.” 

“…I would probably never wash the dishes.” 

The list goes on and on…

I have heard this type of rationale from clients for years and have certainly been there myself as well.  We all seem to do this (at least everyone I know) but no one talks about it.  Why?

Somehow we think that if we are nice to ourselves in our self-talk, we will not be successful or not follow through on things we want in life.  Somehow we will do exactly the opposite of what we really want to do.  We have to yell at ourselves and sometimes even punish ourselves in order to stay on track.

I am asking you to experiment with another way.  You are not signing a contract or anything, I’m just asking you to try the following three steps and determine if a compassionate approach might work better.

Step One

Notice your own thoughts and try to be aware of how you talk to yourself.  Notice if you tend to talk down to yourself or if you are incredibly kind and gentle.  If you are kind, gentle and loving toward yourself in your thoughts, you can stop here – that’s wonderful.  I bet most, if not all, of you are not noticing a lot of loving-kindness though, are you?  You are probably hearing a lot of nasty comments and they may even be shocking.  You may not have noticed the way in which you talk to yourself before.  Many of us talk to ourselves and don’t have any awareness of it at all.  That’s okay.  You are starting to be aware now and that means you are at least halfway to being nicer to yourself.

Step Two

Once you notice your inner dialogue, you can slowly start to change it.  When you are aware of negative self-talk, try replacing it with something more compassionate and kind toward yourself.   You do not have to be perfect.  You will not catch yourself very often at first, but you will become more aware with time.  Even if you can make this conscious change once a week or once a day, you’re cultivating more awareness.  There are not giant leaps here, just baby steps.

Step Three

Once you have tried this for a while, notice if your worst fear happens.  Are you really not accomplishing anything?  Did you really eat everything in sight?  Is the sink filled with dishes that haven’t been done for months?  OR, do you notice a lighter feeling?  Are you freer?  Is there less pressure on your shoulders? Can you breath more fully now?  Is there less anxiety?

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.