Fair Fighting for Couples

Arguing in couples can be heated, intense, scary and painful at times.  However, it can also bring couples much closer together and help cultivate a partnership by getting on the same page.  Relationships are difficult – it is a bringing together of two distinctly different people with two very different upbringing – of course there will be disagreements and this will entail arguments.  It is a matter of respectfully disagreeing and trying to understand the other persons viewpoint that makes all the difference. 

 Due to the heightened emotions on both sides during disagreements, it can help to have some rules to keep things from getting too heated and make it a “fair fight”:

• ·      Avoid global statements, such as ‘always’ and ‘never.’  

• ·      Use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements.  For example, “I feel as though I do not get enough help around here.”  Rather than, “you do not help out enough around here.”

• ·      Avoid ‘right and wrong’ thinking.  Many arguments are power struggles, during which each party is fighting to be ‘right.’  Don’t fight to be right, work together for the good of the relationship. 

• ·      There is no need to blame your partner.  Blame is not productive and it is inextricably linked to shame.

• ·      Stay present - do not bring up things from the past.  

• ·      Stick with one topic at a time – choose one topic and stick with it.  Try not to veer off onto another topic until there is some resolve to the topic at hand.

• ·      Remain calm and keep your voice down.  Yelling just keeps people at a distance and makes them not want to or unable listen. 

• ·      Do not attack your partner.  Do not curse.  Refrain from name-calling. 

• ·      Step away.  If you feel the need to step away, that’s okay.  Let your partner know that you need a break.  You may need to take an hour, or the night to sleep on it – things often seem clearer in the morning.  Coming back together to continue the discussion is the key to resolving it, so make sure you find a time to revisit the discussion. 

• ·      Do not shut down.  Withdrawal is a harmful tool, yet so many people use it.  Taking a break is not the same as withdrawing.  You can step away, as mentioned previously, but you will agree to reconvene the discussion.  Withdrawal can take many forms, such as shutting down and simply not engaging, refusing sex, or leaving and when you return you refuse to continue talking.  These types of withdrawal are not productive and can be damaging to any relationship.

• ·      Focus more of your effort on listening than talking.  When your partner is talking, do your best to actively listen and resist the temptation to think about what you’re going to say next.

• ·      Do not threaten or mention divorce or break-up.  This is hurtful, creates anxiety, and adds many more layers beyond the current disagreement. 

• ·      Attempt to be more curious and less defensive.  Ask more questions of the other person rather instead of assuming you know what he or she is thinking.

All of these rules are difficult to practice, especially in the heat of the moment, so try keeping them in mind during less intense conversations with your partner as well.  You may not be able to take all of these rules into each disagreement at the same time, so pick a few and discuss them with your partner, so you are both trying to implement one or two at the same time, together.  Remember, you are not seeking perfection, just improvement.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and Midtown Manhattan, NYC. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety.  For more, please visit Kim’s ‘Finding Your Voice’ Blog.

Tools for Reducing Anxiety

Whether you are struggling with general anxiety or acute anxiety attacks, try some of these tried and true tools for reducing anxiety:

1 – Take a deep breath and pause.  It is a cliché (they are cliché’s for a reason – they are universal truths), but taking a few deep breathes and counting to 10 will trigger your parasympathetic nervous system and automatically decrease the affects of anxiety in your body.

2 – Change your environment for a moment.  If you’re in your office and you can take a brief break, try taking a walk outside and get some fresh air, nature, and change of scenery.  If you’re behind your desk/computer, try to go to a break room or walk to a co-workers office to chat for a minute and remove yourself from the screen.

2b - If you are not able to physically change your environment, take a moment to close your eyes and visualize yourself somewhere you would really like to be, like the beach/ocean, forest, mountains.  Even a 30-second mindful visualization can reduce anxiety and make you feel somewhat rejuvenated. 

3 – Notice your thoughts in generally, but also about the anxiety in the moment, and ask yourself, “Is it true?”  Often we belief our thoughts outright, and many times these thoughts are not actually true.  Sometimes we catastrophize, or make things much bigger than they are at the moment, and we can often project out into the future much further than seems reasonable or remotely useful.  Just ask, “Is it true?”  (For more information, look at www.ByronKatie.com and her books)

4 – Notice if you’re comparing yourself to someone else or yourself at a different time.  If you are, is this fair to you?  Usually, when we compare, we lose and it isn’t a fair representation for us at all.  If your answer is yes, try to refrain from this kind of comparison because it creates more anxiety, and reframe your thought process to include more kindness and compassion toward yourself.

5 – Contact someone you love and trust.  Create a support system of people you can rely on to help you look at your situations more realistically and with empathy and compassion.  Do not reach out to anyone who makes you feel worse or with whom you compare yourself.

6 – Focus on things that you’re grateful for today and take your attention away from the negative.  What are some really small things that went well for you today?  Keep it small and simple.  Did you enjoy smelling something fragrant on your way to work?  Did you make it to work safely and without incident?  Did you enjoy a nice breakfast or lunch today?  Did you enjoy seeing the sunrise? 

7 – Drink something warm or wash your hands under warm water.  Warmth can activate your parasympathetic nervous system and engage a relaxation response.

8 – Put your hands on your heart and say something nice, sweet, calming to yourself (inwardly or aloud).  You can also pat yourself around the collarbone area to engage the parasympathetic nervous system and acupressure points that engage a relaxation response as well.

9 – Exercise on a regular basis.  This releases all the feel-good chemicals and can balance you out more to relieve anxiety.  Do not set expectations too high; do what will work well for you (no comparisons).

10 – Watch less television, especially the news.  News triggers anxiety for many people and it can be beneficial to limit your exposure to the news.  Television in general can trigger and increase anxiety as a whole, so try to get out and live your life more fully and less vicariously through characters on TV.  TV is not the enemy and can be relaxing in moderation, but can be experienced as anxiety-provoking for some especially in large doses. 

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and Midtown Manhattan, NYC. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety.  For more, please visit Kim’s ‘Finding Your Voice’ Blog.

Perfectionism

I recently listened to an interview with Brené Brown on Sounds True podcast, “Insights at the Edge,” during which she discusses perfectionism.  Dr. Brown defines perfectionism and reshapes it’s meaning for us all based on her research on vulnerability and shame.

In honor of Eating Disorder Awareness Week, which begins today, I thought I would share her insights and research findings on perfectionism, as they deeply resonate with me. 

Dr. Brown defines perfectionism as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: “If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Perfectionism is defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. 

Perfection is an unattainable goal. 

Perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.

Perfectionism is addictive because when we do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it is because we were not perfect enough so rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right.

To overcome perfectionism we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the experiences of shame, judgment, and blame, and practice self-compassion.  When we can live compassionately and authentically, we begin to embrace our imperfections, rather than push them away and shame ourselves for having these vulnerabilities (we are only human after all). 

Take a few minutes today to search for talks given by Dr. Brown, begin reading one of her books, articles, or blogs, or listen to the Sounds True interview.  Give yourself permission to be imperfect.  Begin to cultivate a felt sense of healthy striving that feels more authentic than perfectionism.  Remember: You do not need to be perfect, only ‘good enough.’

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and Midtown Manhattan, NYC. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety.   For more, please visit Kim’s ‘Finding Your Voice’ Blog.

Eating Disorder Awareness Month

February is Eating Disorder Awareness Month.  I thought this would be a good opportunity to talk about ways you can help a loved one whom you suspect or know has an eating disorder.

If you suspect a loved one, friend, or co-worker to have an eating disorder, here is how you can help: 

Generally it is a good rule of thumb to let them take the lead.  If he/she mentions a struggle with weight, eating, or exercise, you can use this opportunity to simply let them know you are there to support and listen to them without judgment. 

Do not talk about how other people look, or how you want to lose weight, especially during mealtimes.  It seems to be a cultural phenomenon for people of all shapes, sizes, and genders to speak about weight loss, calories, and other peoples’ sizes, while eating.  “Oh my goodness, I shouldn’t eat that -- it must have a million calories!” (while consuming said food).  This takes the pleasure out of socializing and eating, while also making anyone with an eating disorder very uncomfortable to the point of not eating at all and possibly leaving. 

Do not suggest a diet, fix, treat, or cure.  It is tempting to offer advice, such as dieting or exercise to someone stating that he/she wants to lose weight.  Even with the best of intensions though, this is unhelpful, even if you only suspect this person may have an eating disorder.  An eating disorder is beyond simple dieting.  Someone struggling with an eating disorder typically knows a lot more than you would about diets, calories, and any suggestions you might make.  They are thinking about food, eating, exercise 24/7, even if this doesn’t seem obvious.

Suggest that this person seek professional support, but then drop it.  If you press someone about seeking help, they are less likely to take this advice and they will feel judged and/or watched.  Let them know you think it might be a good idea, but let them come to their own decision, in their own time.  There are more suggestions below for parents who are not able to wait any longer for the sake of their child’s health.

Do not be the food police.  Even though you have good intentions, the person you are trying to help and support will feel watched and judged by you if you start giving advice or guidance.  

Know your own limitations.  You can only help someone so much if they are not willing to seek help from other places.  You can listen, but be sure you are caring for yourself throughout the process.  You do not want to feel like his/her therapist because it can create resentment in both of you and damage a positive relationship for this person in need.  You think you’re doing well by them at first, but ultimately you may be taking away their biggest support (YOU!) when they need it most (later once they have gone into treatment with a professional). 

Focus on YOU as much as possible.  Remain patient with your loved one/friend and realize that the process of healing from an eating disorder will take time.  Recovery is day to day, moment to moment.  You can be there to listen and provide a distraction for the person by offering to do fun things with him/her when they are able and ready.

Plan fun, food-free activities.  So many social gatherings revolve around food.  Try suggesting other adventures to do with this friend or loved one.  You could go for a walk together.  You might suggest going to a concert without the obligatory dinner/lunch.  You could make an appointment at a spa and have a massage or get your eyebrows/nails done.

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For Parents or Caregivers Only:  (I do not suggest the following options to friends because it would be overstepping)

If you are a parent of a minor (or really a parent of any age child) with an eating disorder, these ideas change slightly.  If your child is dangerously overweight or underweight, you will have to be more involved in getting him/her a supportive professional team in place.  Typically, forcing someone of any age into treatment will be counterproductive, but when it comes to the health of a child, it is also needed at times. 

First, educate yourself about eating disorders.  Take time to learn about the basics of eating disorders. In order to be most helpful, you must be somewhat knowledgeable.  Eating disorders are a coping mechanism for an underlying stressor, so you might want to think about the stressors in your child’s life, without judgment or blame.   You can start by looking at the NEDA website: www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

Try to allow enough time to give your child room to make the decision him/herself.  Follow the above ideas initially, but if your child does not reach out for help or assistance, you might need to speak with him/her more directly with love, kindness, and support.  Continue listening without blaming or threatening, and without making suggestions or giving advice (other than suggesting professional support).  Let the professional provide the guidance and make suggestions. 

You might want to research eating disorder specialists in your area.  If you find a good therapist, he/she will probably be able to suggest other practitioners in the area that could be useful, if necessary.  With eating disorders, the professional approach is often an integrative team approach, including a psychotherapist (eating disorder specialist), registered dietitian, psychiatrist, medical doctor, all with experience in working with eating disorders.

If you decide it is necessary to intervene and get your child into treatment against his/her will (initially), be sure to continue to focus on YOU.  Do all you can to calm yourself down before speaking with your child about this issue.  Plan how you are going to approach your child, so you can be prepared, focused, and as compassionate as possible.  You need to be calm, so your child can freak out.  Be sure to get the support you need in order to be productive with your child.  You may need to meet with a professional prior to speaking with your child to get information, reassurance, education, and support (this would not typically be the same professional that would work with your child).  Know that no matter how gentle, compassionate, and caring you are with your child in this situation, it will probably feel wrong in the moment.  Just do the best you can to be honest, compassionate, non-accusatory, and non-judgmental. 

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and Midtown Manhattan, NYC. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety.  For more information, please visit her 'Finding Your Voice' Blog .

Mindfulness For Better Sex

You might be asking yourself – Are you kidding me? Is this a ploy to get me to read your blog? No. Mindfulness training can really be useful in gaining more pleasure from sex (and other aspects of life, of course).

First, what is mindfulness? In a nutshell, mindfulness is a way of training your brain to be here, now. To keep your brain in the moment as much as possible, and notice where you are and what you are doing, thinking, feeling, sensing in the moment, without judgment. It is not about shutting off the brain, but intentionally noticing the brain's activity. 

We are often floating away from the current moment in our minds. We are thinking about what just happened in our spin class an hour ago, or running through our to-do list to make sure we don’t forget something. We are rarely here, in the moment, right now. By training our brains, we can find more moments of here-ness.

The ability to be present, aware, and in the moment, can certainly be useful when it comes to sex. Many people, especially women, have trouble staying connected and present during sex. Not only do women find it difficult to get turned on, at times, because they are thinking so much about past and future, but they also struggle to stay focused on the pleasurable experience while in the throws of passion.

Here are a few things to consider when practicing mindfulness for better sex:

1 – Engage all your senses – touch, smell, taste, sight, sound – and really notice each and every one of them as fully as possible. When engaging the senses, it helps us stay present and aware. It will be a little harder for your mind to wander off to your to-do list, though it can still happen. When your mind wanders, simply bring it back to one or all of your senses. Immerse yourself in the sensations.

2 – Breathe. Notice the natural rhythms of your breath and surrender to them as much as possible. Breathe deeply and consciously when you notice your mind wandering off to the past or future. When we use our breath to relax and release rather than control and withhold, sex is more powerful and can really help relieve tension and stress.

3 – Practice non-judgment and acceptance. If your inner dialogue distracts you, it’s okay. Try to be gentle with yourself; no need to beat yourself up about it. Just gently return to the sensations in the moment. If this happens over and over (and it will in the beginning), let it go and keep practicing. You are not bad or wrong, just distracted. Mindfulness actually rewires the brain to focus more on the present moment, and rewiring takes time.

4 – Remove distractions. Turn off the TV. Silence the phone or other electronics.

Go forth and practice, practice, practice…

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and Midtown Manhattan, NYC. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety. Visit Kimberly's 'Finding Your Voice' blog at http://wp.me/p2H9sB-1F