Secrets To A Happy Long-Term Relationship - Part II

Indulge yourself.  This may seem counterintuitive, but it works. Generally, we help care for one another in relationships, but this only truly works well when you are also continuing to care for and about yourself. Take the time to do something for you and only you at least once a week (I’d prefer once daily, but this may seem like a giant goal for some).  This does not have to be something expensive or timely.  It is just about mindfully spending time and energy on you - the most important person in your life.

Sometimes we relate self-indulgence with selfishness, but this is another misconception.  Taking the time to make yourself happy by taking a walk, going to the gym, or listening to your favorite music, ultimately makes you better at everything you do.  It will ultimately make you a better mom/dad, co-worker, boss, friend and partner because you are calmer and more present with others.  Self-sacrificing will eventually lead to low energy, burnout, fatigue, and negative moods.  Try adding more self-indulgence into your day/week/year and notice how it benefits your relationship.

Secrets To A Happy Long-Term Relationship - Part I

There are a few things that stand out when it comes to having a happy long-term relationship.  This is the first of a series about secrets to a happy long-term relationship.

One way to remain happy together is to be separate too.  Having time and interests to yourself mean that you are autonomous and a separate individual in the relationship.  Healthy, positive relationships are a coming together of two full people, not a merging a two half-people making a whole.  This is a myth – period.

Generally, couples struggle when it comes to finding the balance between togetherness and separateness. When couples are experiencing trouble in their relationship, they often try to spend more time together and become inseparable.  This is a common, but ineffective, solution.  Of course you will continue to spend quality time together as a couple, but it does not need to be every waking moment – it is all about balance.  Studies show that desire for one’s partner comes when there is some distance and space.  So go out and enjoy your own hobbies!

Watch this video for more infomation:  http://on.ted.com/Perel 

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.

Breaking Habits

I just finished reading the book "The Power Of Habit" by Charles Duhigg and thought I would share some of the powerful take-aways I have from this book.  It feels so good continue learning and growing in life and as a therapist.  I enjoy sharing the new research findings I come across, and this book opened my eyes to many new ways of thinking about habit forming and habit breaking.  I have already found this useful in my own life, and now hope sharing this information will be helpful in leading others to this book to read for themselves.  Here are a few of the major points I found interesting from "The Power of Habit":

• The reason for habits is to help the brain function automatically whenever possible to save energy.


• You can’t just stop a habit, you have to replace it with another habit.


• The habit loop consists of the Cue/Trigger - Routine - Reward


• To break a habit, you must determine the cue and reward and then change the routine.

Example: if the cue is biting your finger nails, why are you biting your nails?  Boredom, anxiety, tension?  Once you determine the cue or trigger, what is the habit’s reward?  Physical stimulation or a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment?  Now, what could you do to relieve boredom and/or anxiety and get a similar reward?

The first step is becoming mindful and aware of your actions.  To help do this, get an index card to carry with you throughout the days for about a week. When you begin to engage in the habit (i.e. biting finger nails) make a hatch mark on the index card.  This helps build your awareness of the cue/trigger.  Once aware of the cue, try to change the habit of biting your nails to something like gently rubbing your jaw to relieve the tension or tap your fingers on a desk to produce a physical response.  This will result in a similar reward, overriding the old habit with a new one.

• For habits to permanently change, people must believe that change is possible.  Groups are helpful in building and holding onto the power of belief because each individual member of the group sees other people able to make changes, therefore realizing it is possible for them too.  Belief is easier when it occurs within a community.

Example: If you want to quit smoking, figure out a different routine that will satisfy the cravings filled by the cigarettes.  Then, find a support system, a collection of other former smokers, or a social circle free of nicotine that will be there for you when you might stumble and help you believe you can make this change.

Happy Changing Habits in the New Year 2013!

 

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.

Are You Shoulding On Yourself?

Many of us spend a lot of time and energy thinking about how we should be feeling, what we should be doing, or what we should have done. Living in the land of shoulds usually makes us feel lost, wrong and/or bad.  It is rare that a should thought is positive in nature.  Most of our shoulds are a form of negative self-talk, a way we judge and put ourselves down.

The more time we spend reminding ourselves of the things we should be doing, the less motivated we become and the more anxious we feel about our lives.  This is because we are not honoring how we DO feel and what we ARE doing now.  Shoulds take us out of the present. We move away from what is true now and start contemplating the things we should have done in the past or the actions we should take in the future.  Living in the past or the future limits our ability to access our true power.  To transform your shoulds and ultimately feel more empowered in your life now, try the following:

First, take notice when you should yourself.  We often don’t even notice when we make these self-criticisms and self-judgments.

If you think it might be helpful, write down your personal list of shoulds, so that you can bring more awareness to them, not so you can judge your judgments.  Simply become aware with kindness; do not beat yourself up about your shoulds.  Your list may look something like this:

• I should eat better.


• I should be happy in this relationship.


• I should have gone for a walk instead of eating that cookie.

After you have taken some time to bring awareness to the fact that you do should on yourself at times, and you have identified some of these shoulds, start to explore what is present around the should.  You may want to write that down as well.  As you write, try to use the kind of language you might use with a very good friend.  Talk to yourself with compassion, love, and kindness.  Your list may look similar to this:

• Ok, I’m not eating well lately.  What is standing in my way?  Do I feel like I need to punish myself?  Why?  Do I want the way I feel emotionally to match the way I feel in the body?  Hmmm…Well, I am eating more junk food while I’m watching TV lately.  What’s that all about?  Maybe I’m feeling lonely and I watch TV to feel more connected and involved in life, but it just makes me feel more lonely and alone, so I eat to make myself feel better.  That isn’t really working though, is it?   (This can go on and on…)

• I’m just not happy in this relationship.  What do I feel?  What am I feeling right now?  It is not wrong if need something different or something more right now.  I feel really sad because I feel pressure to be happy and I’m not.  Maybe I can explore that sadness at my own pace and try not to just push it down or hold it inside so much.

• Yes, I originally wanted to go for a walk, but I ate the cookie instead.  Okay.  Let’s not be hard on myself and just start over.  I’m still a good person and I do love myself enough not to beat myself up for a slip.  Breathe and let go.

Moving forward continue to notice the next time (and the many times after) you use a should.  Notice.  Pause.  Slow down.  Breathe deeply a few times.  Bring yourself into the present.  Give yourself permission to feel the way you do now – it isn’t wrong.   Honor your true feelings.

It takes practice, learning to pause and not get dragged down by what seems to be wrong.  When we put down the ideas of what life shouldbe, we are free to truly see our life as it is now.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.

Meditation Myths

Myth #1: Meditation is all about stopping your mind.   I often hear“I can’t meditate because I can’t stop my thoughts.”  This may be the number one reason I hear from people who have tried meditation but quit.  However, what’s important to understand is that thoughts are a natural (and necessary) part of meditation.  You are simply watching your thoughts, noticing them and not getting all wrapped up in them as much as possible.  Noticing is the key.  Notice your thoughts.  Notice any sensations you may have in your body.  Notice your judgments and try to let them go.

Myth #2: There is a right way and wrong way to meditate and I just can’t seem to get it right.  One of the biggest hurdles for me to get over with regard to meditating is that I might screw it up.  What if I open my eyes?  What if I get caught up in a thought?  What if I stop focusing on my breath?  Interestingly, I have become aware of the many “what if’s…” in my thoughts.  I have a lot of them.  When I can let go of “what if…” I am able to relax and not have so much worry and anxiety around meditation.  The best part is that this actually follows me into my everyday life.

It is a myth that one cannot open her eyes while meditating.  It is a myth that one cannot look at their watch or a clock – why not?  What’s wrong with knowing how long you’ve been sitting or walking?  The more we look at things as black and white, right and wrong, good and bad, we are setting ourselves up for failure or lack of trying.  Simply (ha! It’s sounds so simple, but I know it is not) notice how our thoughts operate and try to let go.

Myth #3: Meditation is a quick fix for all your problems.  While it is true that meditation can help to increase your clarity of mind, it is not an instant solution or quick fix. It takes consistent efforts and time to meditate before you develop mindfulness that permeates into everything you do in life. Meditation is not something that you whip out whenever you need a quick boost.  With cultivation, meditation can help with problem solving abilities because it helps people gain awareness and insight, and eventually changes perceptions.

Myth #4: Meditation has to be practiced for a long time to gain benefit. This is probably one of the biggest stumbling blocks for many people and I frequently hear people say (and catch myself thinking at times), “I am too busy to meditate, I don’t have the time…etc.” Throughout the day, I frequently engage in meditation techniques to center myself or create a state of calm, patience, or concentration.  The duration of these practices may last anywhere from 20 seconds to 1 minute. Many people have a hard time sitting down and staying still for more then five or ten minutes, therefore, I recommend starting slow by engaging in short meditation sessions.  Start where you are and do not convince yourself that it isn’t enough.  It is good enough.  The more you can practice in small, manageable sessions, the more you will see benefits and build upon what you learn and gain from the practice.

Myth #5: Meditation means sitting in an uncomfortable (lotus) position.  While sitting cross-legged on the floor works for some, you do not necessarily have to use it if you find it uncomfortable or painful.  There are many forms of meditation, at least in my opinion. There are formal meditation practice and informal.  I combine the two practices.  You can have a formal sitting practice, during which you either sit in a straight-backed chair, sit on the floor with legs straight out in front, or in cross-legged position (half-lotus). There are also formal practices of standing, walking, and lying-down meditation.  The key is to never compromise your safety for comfort. Sit with dignity and self-respect by keeping your spine and neck upright and neutral to prevent causing any injury to them.  You may shift your position; just try to do so mindfully.  There is nothing wrong with noticing you are uncomfortable and moving your legs, if you need/want.  Bring awareness to the discomfort and make your movement mindful.

Informal practice includes the many times throughout the day that you engage in meditation techniques and mindfulness.  This may include a time during the day when you become aware of your body and take the time to cultivate this awareness.  You may be driving and you notice yourself lose your temper and you calm down and bring yourself back to your breath.  There are a variety of ways to incorporate meditation into your day without necessarily sitting, however a formal practice will add a noticeable benefit even when it is for 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes at night (which is what I am able to practice at this time).

 

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with women and men in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.